Nothing
and Other Things New Under the Sun
“There is nothing new under the sun.”
Ecclesiastes 1:9
“Behold, I am making all things new.”
Revelation 21:5
I’m here, I’m here now, after all these years, I’m finally here and now there is nothing I want more than to disappear. Nothing, there is nothing I want more, there is nothing I want more but this has less to do with what I want than it is to confess, less a sentence, less a sentence than a confession, the confession of a fantasy, the fundamental fantasy of a modern self. I confess there is still an I to want.
What is it, what is it with being seen, what is it with this need to feel seen, reel to reel to reel to reel, each of us has this need to be seen. Which is to say there is a problem, that somehow there is this problem with not being seen, that it is thee modern problem; but I don’t have a problem with not being seen, I have absolutely no problems not being seen, which is not to say I don’t have a problem with not feeling seen. There is something in me that still feels this need to be seen, there is someone in there, there is someone inside me, there is somebody in me that needs to be, there is somebody in my body that needs to feel seen. I see there is still an I that feels.
John the Baptist said he must decrease, John the Baptizer said he must decrease his need to be seen, the cousin of Jesus said this incessant need to feel seen must cease; he must decrease which means, unlike me, he did not feel the need to be seen, he did not feel this need to feel seen. He set this course for a wanna-be, he set the course for a wanna-be like me, he made the way for a would-be, he blazed a trail for me, a would-be follower of Jesus by not being seen, he paved the way, a way to be saved, this cousin of Jesus showed the way unlike me, unlike me by not feeling this modern need to feel seen. I believe there is still an I that must decrease.
There is still a want that must cease, there is still a want, there is still a desire, this desire which implies a need; desire is the feeling of need, desire is the feeling of the need to be, desire is this need to feel, the need to feel you being the feeling of you being in me. That desire must cease, this need to feel you in me, this mirror that sees you in me, this mere feeling, this mirrored feeling that cannot possible be, this impossible feeling that I cannot be me without being seen, this strange feeling that I cannot feel me without you being seen in me, without being seen with you inside of me, that there is a me that is you inside of me, that there is a you that is inside of me that must cease, that there is a me made of you that must decrease.
I’m here and you can’t see me. Chinese people often believe they cannot be seen, Korean people sometimes feel they cannot be seen, the Burmese people are oftentimes made to believe they cannot be seen, the people of the Philippines oftentimes feel they cannot be. These feelings can make us seem like we’re not real, these beliefs make us feel like we cannot be seen because we’re not real, we can’t really be if we cannot be seen. I believe they will leave us, my belief is that they will eventually leave us be, because I have it on good authority that when they leave us be, it will allow us to see, we will be able to see way more than they can see, we can see way more than what needs to be seen in order to be believed, you cannot believe the uncanny ability of not being seen, and even more unbelievably, the eternity of speed that comes with not even being. I can see when there is no me, when there is no me to be seen, if there is no me to believe, then there will be no more need, there is no more need to be seen, there is not this incessant modern need to feel seen, whether Chinese or Korean or Burmese, or even if you are Filipino, or Filipina, you know, the people from the Philippines, unbelievably, there is no need among them, there is no more need to be or be seen.
Take God. Take God, for instance. God cannot be, God cannot be seen. Does it even matter to God if God feels seen? It’s absurd. It’s laughable. God is not made to feel, God does not need to feel anything, God has no need of our belief in order to be or not to be. But I wonder about Jesus. I wonder about Jesus when he felt forsaken, when he believed he was unseen, was this Jesus feeling the modern need to feel seen? Is it even modern to feel this need to be seen by a Father? Even for God? Even for the Son of God? Even for a modern son of God? This modern son of God? This modern son of God without a father?
Don’t get me started on fathers. In the end, Jesus yielded the need to be, so it no longer mattered whether he felt seen, he felt what he felt and his Spirit was released, he gave up the ghost, which is to say, into his Father’s hands it was commended. I recommend fathers. They say good things. They say good fathers are present. They say there is nothing worse than an absentee father. There is nothing but good things to be said about present fathers. Presently, there is something very modern about absent fathers, and there is something else about absent fathers, present fathers may be good, but there is nothing more powerful than an absentee father, there is none more God-like than an absentee father who cannot be seen, a father you cannot see but you can still feel. It is one thing to be raised, it is another to be haunted.
Take my father. Take my father, please. He has no reason to believe in me, he’s got no real ability to see me, he’s got no idea about what I’ve seen, he hasn’t a clue about where I’ve been, he will never believe what I know about them, he’ll never guess what I’ve seen about he, Andrew, and Anthony Yeh, though I walk through valley of the shadow of death, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, what happened in Atlantic City trumps even that. It is one thing to be raised, it is another to fold.
This is nothing new, Lord, I see. Help me in my not feeling seen. Help me, Father, rid me of father. Call no man father, confess, call on no other, forgive me, forgive this skeptic self who leaves his Father, forget this modern self in need of a father, there is nothing new, I see, there is nothing new under the Sunday self, the self I need you to see and the self I need you to believe.
At night on the beach, the black water terrifies me. Yellowish foam on the gray shore of a rabid ocean. There is a reason the word is a void. Confronting the void is what you want to avoid the most. It swallows the light. This is why I cannot avoid the beach at night, this is why I cannot stay off the beach after it’s dark even though it terrifies me. The void wants to swallow me, the black void wants to swallow me and I want to let it, the rabid void, the black rabid wants to eat me, and I’m inclined to allow myself to be tempted, tempted or enticed, or even seduced. Yes, mostly seduced.
In the morning the tropical blue and sands play nice. Nothing to see here under the sun. Waves hello, goodbye, cordial even, a cordial ocean. Shhh, she says, a library of coral, come, she says, come on. Come on, the water is warm, she says, and I still want her to swallow me. Yes, mostly seduced.
Asian don’t raisin, but skin cracks on a singed back, sand and salt feel stuck by the sun when you scrape your shirt on. Summer is for feelings and this father is feeling scarce. A regretful covering. In heat. Single strap swallowed in a skinny crack. This father is feeling the scene.
This Chinese man is fleeing the scene, this Chinese father doesn’t want to be seen. There is something new under the son, a mother, the mother who must be believed to be seen, like any mother who feels the need to be seen, a Korean mother who feels she will never be believed. This Chinese father is apart from the Korean mother, this Chinese father is a part of the beach scene, this Korean mother, nothing new under the sun, cannot ever be seen. The father can avoid the mother. The mother is a void to the son, she swallows the light, the void wants to swallow me. Come on, the water is warm, she says, and I still want her to swallow me. Yes, mostly seduced.
Yes, mostly seduced in a dream, mostly seduced in an American dream, mostly reduced to an Asian American dream, which is just the American dream with Asian sauce; many who attain the Asian American dream still commit soy sauce. Eat the rich or the rich’ll eat you, the ritual soy sauce.
Make a name for myself. Make one up. What’s in a name? There is nothing in a name. I’d rather they’d named me nothing. A name is for being. A name is for being seen. In order to be seen I must make a name for myself. I’d rather they’d named me nothing. I rather they name me nothing.